The security of a permanent conclusion
Weekly Notes #14
Lately I have been thinking about cycles—wakefulness and sleep, life and death, clarity and confusion, light and dark, yin and yang. It is so human and so like me to not see the bigger picture, and let myself think the current thing is the only thing that ever was and ever will be. When I am confused, I am prone to thinking that I am just a confused person. And vice versa. Anything to not have to confront the fact that the world is a flowing and changing thing. I want the security of a permanent conclusion. Like, someone can be an asshole to you for years and still not just be an asshole. Forces work in concert. Some people bring out your assholiness, and others your sweetness. It is all very nuanced and interconnected.
Focusing on the cyclical nature of things is orienting. If I am in a sad swing, it is helpful to see it as just a swing. Not only is it temporary, it is precisely what is going to make it meaningful when I make it to the other side.
Right now, I am just in the fucking opaque muck of change and growth. Things don’t feel clear to me right now, and they are not supposed to. There are people in my life who things are clear for, and there are people who have pretty much only known clarity. We are all in different phases of our cycles at different times, and for different amounts of time. The comparison there is pointless. We each have our own journeys.
There is so much about what I want that I don’t know, so much about what I feel that I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know what’s next, and I don’t know how to do it. Over the course of a life, there will be countless, nested micro- and macro-confusions. In a state of confusion, observe; in a state of clarity, act. Right now, it is my job to watch. And there is so much out there to soak in.